18 July 2010

scaredy-cat

here are the things that rush around in my mind lately;


-I'm scared of going back to Sydney and regressing into that uber-awkward unconfident girl
-I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job, a vaguely interesting job that makes me want to get up every day
-I'm afraid of feeling confined and stuck in a country far away from Europe, and never getting out again
-I'm concerned that people won't accept the way I have changed, and will treat me as though I'm still the same version they knew of me years ago, without seeing all the new aspects about me.
-I'm anxious about my personal relationships with everyone in my life, I put a lot of energy in to it but investing in people involves a considerate amount of risk doesn't it? Often I feel disallusioned and react badly at being taken for granted
-I am ambivalent about Sydney as a city, I've written many times about how I feel she was never very nice to me even though I tried my hardest to get along with her.  Funny isn't it? London, the big scary city has been more generous to me than my own hometown!  I hope she's nicer the second time around.
-I know there will soon come a time where I feel very low, and lost and depressed at leaving my life here in London, I am not looking forward to the mourning period and I know it's going to take a while to readjust.
-I am tired of feeling restless and just want to be at peace somewhere, in a city, for a good stretch of time
-I hope I don't turn into someone who harps on about how great London is, and how crappy Australia is, I aspire to see the best in my situation instead of moaning and regretting.

-I am super excited to get to play with my dogs every day and eat amazing food, and not be poor! And to be back in my room, with all my nice things. haha.
-I can't wait to go to sleep without the thunderous roar of traffic outside my window, and sirens...oh my lord, the sirens! enough!
-I would like to see more of my own country, I'm always embarassed when I meet travellers who have seen more of Australia than I have, it's always the way though isn't it?


Let's see how it goes then....

1 comment:

Johanna said...

if it's any consolation - I'll be very happy to see you again! It's been an indecently long time between drinks, sweetheart x

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