I feel older, there are faint beginnings of lines on my face that weren't there a year ago.
Not at all a bad thing, just different.
One year since I've seen the faces of many people I love absolutely and without question, one year since I've held them, hugged them, laughed with them, sat in the Sydney sun, smoking in the shade, drinking in the dark. One year, most painfully, since I have played with my two dogs; perhaps the most glorious creatures of happiness to have ever come into my life.
One year since I looked back as I was walking through those glass doors at the terminal to see my mother's face, full of concern and heartache. The guilt sometimes I fear will make the floors cave in underneath me. It's so tempting to come back to a place I know so well, into familiar arms and smiles, where I know for certain people love me and want me around. Where I never felt lonely, but was always a bit restless to see what else was out there for me.
My family's love is even more seductive, it's a place that is always safe where I feel loved and valued at every moment, even when we don't agree. I am spoiled really, because that's my yardstick for affection with others which is a hard thing to match. People don't stand a chance, do they? Least of all boys. Stupid stupid boys.
London is a hard city. It took me six months to finally feel alright with it all. Winter is around the corner once again and I find myself worrying like nothing else; will I get my Greek passport in time? Will I be all alone in this ocean of a city? Will I manage to keep it all together? Sometimes I feel I am being held together so tentatively by very old sticky-tape. Egad.
I met a boy who actually said 'egad' in a conversation. Little things like that make me burst with happiness, but being England, one feels compelled to rein in the emotions for fear of looking a bit loony. Stuff it, everyone creates their own reality right? I'd rather live in one where people who showed their feelings at the exact moment they felt them were more sane and interesting than people who could control every whim, always biting their tongue. Blah.
So at the moment, here is what I lovelove about London:
-the Tates Modern and Britain
-yummy English ales...and Banana Bread Beer!
-all the different bridges along the Thames
-the Commercial Tavern and its decor
-vietnamese food near Old Street
-Lord Leighton's house in Kensington
-the Victorian era
-dogs travelling the tube
-Londoners know clothes, they just do.
-fresh goats cheese so easy to come by
-the smell of charcoal meat and sweet Shisha on Edgeware road
-the crisp air that wakes you up no matter the time of day or night
-friends dropping by to visit, from the other side of the world (the tally is almost 20 so far!)
-going to the British Museum on my lunch break
-the birds, the flowers, the squirrels and foxes
-ambling around, always something interesting just around the corner
-the fact that Greece is just 3 hours away, always.
If I could get turkish bread (pide) at my local bakery, then I would be sorted for life.