One year on

It's been just over one year since I arrived in London. 

I feel older, there are faint beginnings of lines on my face that weren't there a year ago. 

Not at all a bad thing, just different.

One year since I've seen the faces of many people I love absolutely and without question, one year since I've held them, hugged them, laughed with them, sat in the Sydney sun, smoking in the shade, drinking in the dark. One year, most painfully, since I have played with my two dogs; perhaps the most glorious creatures of happiness to have ever come into my life. 

One year since I looked back as I was walking through those glass doors at the terminal to see my mother's face, full of concern and heartache. The guilt sometimes I fear will make the floors cave in underneath me. It's so tempting to come back to a place I know so well, into familiar arms and smiles, where I know for certain people love me and want me around. Where I never felt lonely, but was always a bit restless to see what else was out there for me.

My family's love is even more seductive, it's a place that is always safe where I feel loved and valued at every moment, even when we don't agree. I am spoiled really, because that's my yardstick for affection with others which is a hard thing to match. People don't stand a chance, do they? Least of all boys. Stupid stupid boys.

London is a hard city. It took me six months to finally feel alright with it all. Winter is around the corner once again and I find myself worrying like nothing else; will I get my Greek passport in time? Will I be all alone in this ocean of a city? Will I manage to keep it all together? Sometimes I feel I am being held together so tentatively by very old sticky-tape. Egad.

I met a boy who actually said 'egad' in a conversation. Little things like that make me burst with happiness, but being England, one feels compelled to rein in the emotions for fear of looking a bit loony. Stuff it, everyone creates their own reality right? I'd rather live in one where people who showed their feelings at the exact moment they felt them were more sane and interesting than people who could control every whim, always biting their tongue. Blah.

So at the moment, here is what I lovelove about London:

-the Tates Modern and Britain

-yummy English ales...and Banana Bread Beer! 

-all the different bridges along the Thames

-the Commercial Tavern and its decor

-vietnamese food near Old Street

-Lord Leighton's house in  Kensington

-the Victorian era 

-dogs travelling the tube

-Londoners know clothes, they just do. 

-fresh goats cheese so easy to come by

-the smell of charcoal meat and sweet Shisha on Edgeware road

-the crisp air that wakes you up no matter the time of day or night

-friends dropping by to visit, from the other side of the world (the tally is almost 20 so far!)

-going to the British Museum on my lunch break

-the birds, the flowers, the squirrels and foxes

-ambling around, always something interesting just around the corner

-the fact that Greece is just 3 hours away, always.

If I could get turkish bread (pide) at my local bakery, then I would be sorted for life.

define "crush"...

1. "to have something weighing physically or emotionally down on you

so heavy that perchance you cannot heave a breath into your lungs, not for lack of trying or caring;  but for lack of physical strength,  emotional resolve and confidence that you can somehow MacGuyver your way out of the literal or metaphorical situation. 

You probably won't, and can therefore expect fractured bones, bruising or even a broken heart"

        Note: musical accompaniment - "Valentine" by the Old 97s.

2. "the appearance, idea or presence of someone that turns you into a gibbering idiot at the sight of them, usually making it impossible to construct intelligible sentences, let alone to make a favourable impression. Smoking is a good distraction rendering you at least 40% cooler; unless they don't like smokers, in which case you better pray they are endeared towards the aforementioned gibbering idiot"

           Note: this is usually felt towards a member of the opposite sex, 

            but can just as often be felt towards shoes and designer bags.

define "despair"...

"the moment you realise that someone

does not care, or is not capable of caring for you 

anywhere near the capacity, or energy

in which you have just spent the last two years, or two minutes

caring about them"

Note: this also applies to the human-feline relationship;

          the feline consistently being the purveyor of despair

simone white

wait wait wait wait

wait wait

wait

for the time it takes a heart to mend a break

how many moons are reflected in the lake?

can you wait forever if

time 

is all it takes?

songs I wish I'd written...

-the nearness of you (hoagy carmichael)
-i will follow you into the dark (death cab for cutie)
-vancouver (jeff buckley)
-come pick me up/tonight (ryan adams)
-diamond sea (sonic youth)
-mama you've been on my mind (dylan)
-at last, our promises (micah p hinson)
-skyway (the replacements)
-thirteen (big star)
-the curse of great beauty (clem snide)

and especially...

-more than this (roxy music)

This song was written the same year I was born. It's one of my most beloved songs and seems to fit so many many situations in my life, good and bad.

Me likey: Friday 5th September 2008

music:
watching Ash at the Roundhouse in Chalk Farm, standing next to my best friend Jeanette, full of red wine and excitement at the thought of hearing 1977 played from start to finish...how did Tim Wheeler do it? the sound was immaculate, his guitar playing and vocals were spot on, his hair made me feel like the last ten years didn't happen at all and that I was still in highschool sighing along to 'goldfinger' wishing a boy would write a song about me like that.

Bonus points for the excellent storm troopers and Darth Vader loitering around the stage before the boys came on. Triple bonus points for the brilliant encore which reminded me of how excellent a lyricist he can be; in 'shining light' alone he uses such gems like 'firmament', 'incandescent' and 'ephiphany'..no small feat for a pop song eh? bless.
Also hearing 'jack names the planets', 'a life less ordinary', 'burn baby burn' and 'does your mother know'...Ash doing Abba, never thought I'd hear that excellent b-side live.

skype:
I got to have a colossal 4 hour conversation with Luke who is on the other side of the world, during which I finished all my cigarettes and beer, had a couple of toilet breaks, solved all the problems of the world (one can dream) and was mortified that he had managed to lock himself out of the house and then get back in again all while talking to me, talk about drama.
If only distance was as simple as measuring something in miles or kilometres. Lucky for us, distance is only in the pauses of the conversation, of which there were very very few.

rain:
i don't like to ruin it by opening my umbrella. it spoils the fun, who cares if you end up looking like a wet cat?

cooking:
pasta with a cream, mushroom, spring onion and rocket sauce...at 5.30am. then trying to go to sleep mind running like a sprinter trying to process the events of the day, and of the last 6 years.